Memorial Weekend Treat

Enjoy

Gossip Girl’s Chuck Fronts a Decent Band

Nothing’s scarier than an actor side gig–oh, what Ethan Hawke and his novel-writing “itch” hath wrought. So we were a little nervous to check out some clips of Ed Westwick’s band Filthy Youth (Westwick plays Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl, and his band usually gets a mention in articles, natch). Gotta say: Not bad. Not bad at all. Someone’s got a back-up career plan. And it’s not Dogstar.

Yay for Ellen & Portia!

Ellen DeGeneres announced during a show taping yesterday that she and her longtime girlfriend Portia de Rossi plan to tie the knot following the Supreme Court decision that people have the fundamental right to marry anyone they want.  Ellen was a little ferclempt when she made the announcement -  it was really sweet!

Kudos to Jonathan Knight

Jonathan Knight has come a long way since the panic attack he suffered live on Oprah Winfrey’s stage several years ago, but after watching him on the Today show this morning it’s clear he’s still working on his anxiety issues. He stood in the background during most of the interview segments and never once answered any of Lauer’s questions - but cheers to him for taking the stage before hundreds of rabid women and doing his thing. He definitely held it together.  Back in 2001, Knight shocked viewers when he had a panic attack during an Oprah episode that focused on the debilitating disorder.

Joey McIntyre, Now With Man Voice

So much awaited NKOTB reunion kicked off today with a performance on the Today Show. Alas, Joey was unable to replicate his 12 year old falsetto to the disappointment of 35 year old women worldwide, but the boys have held up shockingly well look-wise. They did shy away from the infamous “Right Stufff” leg kick, perhaps a wise choice when you’re pushing 40. Go here.

For a little compare/contrast, let’s turn now to the famous show New Kids did at Showtime at the Apollo. Lean close young grasshoppers, and you can hear the audience yell “Go White Boys.”

A Good Old Fashioned Ho-Down

Barring sitting a tub of Korean fried chicken for four hours, nothing beats a good ho beatdown. It’s the golden goose of the reality world, and Daisy and Heather laid a big fat egg during that Rock of Love 2 reunion. Just watch that triple punch to Daisy’s head. Have you ever seen such a thing of beauty?

Nice ‘Do, Willy O.

A video is making the rounds of Bill O’Reilly screaming at some peon he lorded over during his glory days at that pillar of journalism, “Inside Edition.” Hard to believe, right?

UPDATE: I guess the No-Spin Zone didn’t like the way this video was being spun. It’s been removed.

UPDATE: Heavy.com still has the video. This is why it’s stoopid for people to try to stop the Internet. It’s unstoppable.

Justin Bobby, The Showered

Hills watchers from last season must wonder what’s up with this new sobered-up Justin Bobby. Speaking in full sentences? (Relatively) clean-shaven? Showering? I sense a shower at least every three episodes. So what happened to the burping, shoulder-shrugging lothario who kissed the nearest goth hooch in front of Audrina? Audrina used to flash us thong as Justin’s motorcycle rode into the sunset (or his nearby STD-gifting lair, whichever you prefer). Now we’re being treated to these Suzy Homemaker domestic breakfast scenes in the kitchen where Justin talks about Audrina’s feelings while she makes him eggs. Huh?

Audrina at one point this season commented on the new Justin Bobby, mentioning how he’s “sober now.” Hmm. We’re scouring the internet for news about Justin checking out of rehab, but aren’t getting much further than these doofy modeling photos from People’s Republic that everyone seems to want to post. Got any dirt? Email me at czappia@slingmedia.com. First to email in gets a faux used Audrina thong. If you close your eyes you can pretend it once rode on JB’s motorcycle of skank. Below, a look back at the old Justin Bobby’s greatest hits:

Too Cool for School

If Jason Castro isn’t eliminated from American Idol tonight, all of the tween girls out there are to blame. I’m making a solemn vow to find you and cut your phone lines! Not only did the wannabe-Rastafarian completely forget the words to Mr. Tambourine Man this week, but he now looks so disinterested in being on the show that he no longer deserves to stand on the AI platform. His dreads were cute for a while, but I’m over it. His take on Bob Marley’s “I Shot the Sheriff” was PAINFUL to watch. He’s become the cocky intern at work who acts like he runs the place - too cool for school. Your time has come, Jason. If you’re not voted off you need to eliminate yourself.

Tax Day Movies

You are either eager to spend some of the no-interest loan you gave the government in 2007, you financial wizard, or you a plotting your escape to Mexico, where you’ll spend some of the tens upon tens of dollars you bilked the IRS out of, you evil genius.

So tonight, curl up on the couch with some of the imaginary children you listed as dependents on your 1040EZ, and watch some movies that might make you feel better about Tax Day:

Carnal Knowledge (1971)

Jonathan (Jack Nicholson) and Sandy (Art Garfunkel) were college roommates. Now that they’re all grown up, Sandy is a physician, and a husband, while Jonathan gets paid well to help rich people dodge the tax man. Jonathan also has sex with everything he sets his eyes on, proving the tax man always gets you in the end. Sandy turns out to be not much more than the Garfunkel to Jonathan’s Simon. But Jonathan may have met his match when he shacks up with Bobbie (Ann-Margret).

Robin Hood (1973)

This classic Disney cartoon will teach your fake children all they need to know about the evil of taxation and the beauty of vigilante justice. A couple arrows in the tax collector’s blobby behind go a long way, so when the IRS comes knocking, rob those evil-doers and order Domino’s. Give the pizza delivery guy a hefty tip, too.

Blues Brothers (1980)

Jake and Elwood Blues (John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd) are on a mission from God. And of course they have the blues, they have to raise money to pay taxes! They hop in the Bluesmobile and get their band back together. They’re going to throw a benefit concert to raise $5,000 in 11 days so they can pay the property tax on the home where they were raised by nuns, or it will close.

The Untouchables (1987)

So you think you can get away with all the shenanigans you pulled with your TurboTax software? Be warned: The only way Elliot Ness (Kevin Costner) and his crew were able to take down Al Capone (Robert De Niro), who was responsible (allegedly) for the murder of countless people during Prohibition, was through tax evasion.

Grumpy Old Men (1993)

Max Goldman (Walter Matthau) and John Gustafson (Jack Lemmon) are retired widowers, and generally pissed off at the world. Especially John, who owes the IRS $57,000. The IRS agent (Buck Henry) is in hot pursuit of the old crank. Things get even more difficult for John when Ariel (Ann-Margret again) moves in across the street from him and Max. The competition for her attention is fierce, and the ice fishing scene is a classic.

Blade (1998 )

Eric Brooks aka “Blade” (Wesley Snipes) is half-man, half-vampire. His mom was bitten while she was pregnant and he’s still pretty upset at dad about the whole thing, so he kills vampires whenever he gets the chance. He also doesn’t pay taxes whenever he gets a chance. Snipes, that is, not Blade. The actor recently shuffled his legal team and is expected to be sentenced on three counts of failure to file tax returns. Federal prosecutors accuse Snipes of conspiring to defraud the government through a scheme under which he sought a return of more than $11 million in taxes he paid in 1997 and 1998.

The Patriot (2000)

Yeah, this movie may seem like it’s about a farmer (Mel Gibson) and son (Heath Ledger) who get wrapped up in the Revolutionary War. But none of this would have ever happened if we had just paid our taxes to the queen! Regardless, these two Aussies come to the rescue and save America from the Redcoats. Maybe you don’t have to pay taxes after all.

Stranger Than Fiction (2006)

Working for the IRS is not easy, especially for auditor Harold Crick (Will Ferrell), who has just learned that he’s going to die. Or, rather, that the voice in his head (Emma Thompson), who is narrating his entire life, is going to kill him off. Too many people forget that there is a person at the end of those impersonal letters from the government demanding every cent you have. After all, we have to keep our politicians equipped with as many Five-Diamond prostitutes as possible, otherwise the terrorists will win.