You are either eager to spend some of the no-interest loan you gave the government in 2007, you financial wizard, or you a plotting your escape to Mexico, where you’ll spend some of the tens upon tens of dollars you bilked the IRS out of, you evil genius.
So tonight, curl up on the couch with some of the imaginary children you listed as dependents on your 1040EZ, and watch some movies that might make you feel better about Tax Day:
Carnal Knowledge (1971)
Jonathan (Jack Nicholson) and Sandy (Art Garfunkel) were college roommates. Now that they’re all grown up, Sandy is a physician, and a husband, while Jonathan gets paid well to help rich people dodge the tax man. Jonathan also has sex with everything he sets his eyes on, proving the tax man always gets you in the end. Sandy turns out to be not much more than the Garfunkel to Jonathan’s Simon. But Jonathan may have met his match when he shacks up with Bobbie (Ann-Margret).
Robin Hood (1973)
This classic Disney cartoon will teach your fake children all they need to know about the evil of taxation and the beauty of vigilante justice. A couple arrows in the tax collector’s blobby behind go a long way, so when the IRS comes knocking, rob those evil-doers and order Domino’s. Give the pizza delivery guy a hefty tip, too.
Blues Brothers (1980)
Jake and Elwood Blues (John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd) are on a mission from God. And of course they have the blues, they have to raise money to pay taxes! They hop in the Bluesmobile and get their band back together. They’re going to throw a benefit concert to raise $5,000 in 11 days so they can pay the property tax on the home where they were raised by nuns, or it will close.
The Untouchables (1987)
So you think you can get away with all the shenanigans you pulled with your TurboTax software? Be warned: The only way Elliot Ness (Kevin Costner) and his crew were able to take down Al Capone (Robert De Niro), who was responsible (allegedly) for the murder of countless people during Prohibition, was through tax evasion.
Grumpy Old Men (1993)
Max Goldman (Walter Matthau) and John Gustafson (Jack Lemmon) are retired widowers, and generally pissed off at the world. Especially John, who owes the IRS $57,000. The IRS agent (Buck Henry) is in hot pursuit of the old crank. Things get even more difficult for John when Ariel (Ann-Margret again) moves in across the street from him and Max. The competition for her attention is fierce, and the ice fishing scene is a classic.
Blade (1998 )
Eric Brooks aka “Blade” (Wesley Snipes) is half-man, half-vampire. His mom was bitten while she was pregnant and he’s still pretty upset at dad about the whole thing, so he kills vampires whenever he gets the chance. He also doesn’t pay taxes whenever he gets a chance. Snipes, that is, not Blade. The actor recently shuffled his legal team and is expected to be sentenced on three counts of failure to file tax returns. Federal prosecutors accuse Snipes of conspiring to defraud the government through a scheme under which he sought a return of more than $11 million in taxes he paid in 1997 and 1998.
The Patriot (2000)
Yeah, this movie may seem like it’s about a farmer (Mel Gibson) and son (Heath Ledger) who get wrapped up in the Revolutionary War. But none of this would have ever happened if we had just paid our taxes to the queen! Regardless, these two Aussies come to the rescue and save America from the Redcoats. Maybe you don’t have to pay taxes after all.
Stranger Than Fiction (2006)
Working for the IRS is not easy, especially for auditor Harold Crick (Will Ferrell), who has just learned that he’s going to die. Or, rather, that the voice in his head (Emma Thompson), who is narrating his entire life, is going to kill him off. Too many people forget that there is a person at the end of those impersonal letters from the government demanding every cent you have. After all, we have to keep our politicians equipped with as many Five-Diamond prostitutes as possible, otherwise the terrorists will win.
